ive nothing left

Everyone has a dream since they were born. Intentionally or not. they have this dream held inside their heart the day they were born. Mine was simple. My dream was to get a good life and be a doctor when i grow up. Ive had this in me till i was 8. My dream changed. I then go to something simple yet hard to achieve, i wished to have a good and happy life. I want a smile in me when i looked into the mirror. Even if everyone is crying, i want to be the one smiling. At the age of 8. ive experienced life for real, for the first time. ive been through the ups and downs in the family. And soon, when my age increased to 10 my dream changed again. i want people around me to behappy. i always see my parents quarreling, brothers fighting, i feel puzzled i dont know what are they fighting for. i was once asked who would i choose if my parents divorced, mother or father. i chose my mother. I still remember the decision cost me a big yelling from my father. he asked me to leave the house.

And then i came to the age of 12. This year i wished for a different thing. i wished that my brothers will be brothers again. it has been years they dont talk anymore. i looked up to the sky hoping that i can see them talking again. When i was 15. My dream changed again. This year i hoped for a little different. i want my birthday to be remembered by my parents. The last gift i got from my parents was the batman watch when i was 9. i dream in me to have a little cake with my name written on it.. But yet dreams never came true.


Age of 16, i suddenly thought of how happy my family was. i began to cry even harder the moment my ex left me. i blamed her to take away the only one i trust and love at that time. I then prayed for my family to be happy again. i blamed the fate that took away my childhood blindly. without the concern of a family, i seek out love from the outside, and now it fails, i had no one.

Age of 18. ive lost track of myself...i dont know what i wanted in life. i asked god to lead my way. And again, my dream changed again, i want my life to be in track again. it has been 3 years my bro left the house to japan. i only have my elder brother. But i hear screaming day and night. i dont know who was wrong and right. i dont know the answer. And finally at the age of 21 ive developed a dream in me. i want someone special to be the same with me forever. i cant afford if i ever had one. i cant afford changes, because once she left, ive nothing left.... i was dreaming aimlessly to have my childhood back, to have my happy family back, to have my parents be good again, to have my brothers be brothers again. But they will never come back right? now i just the life im going to have to be better. i just wanna taste happiness once again.

Alot of people said im fortunate enough to have my parents beside me. i know i am. at least they are there right? even if they dont provide me love and attention, at least they are there...right? i dont care if you say im not feeling contented. Because me, only me, know how it hurts to have parents beside like its not although i might not know how it hurts to lose your parents.

And today i just found out ive nothing left with me.. friends around are just fake. my love fails and i already dropped the thought of having the family i used to live in anymore. i hope i still have someone being with me for real.....if she loves me real, she will change for me to be the one she used to be.