Sunday, November 21, 2010

ive nothing left

Everyone has a dream since they were born. Intentionally or not. they have this dream held inside their heart the day they were born. Mine was simple. My dream was to get a good life and be a doctor when i grow up. Ive had this in me till i was 8. My dream changed. I then go to something simple yet hard to achieve, i wished to have a good and happy life. I want a smile in me when i looked into the mirror. Even if everyone is crying, i want to be the one smiling. At the age of 8. ive experienced life for real, for the first time. ive been through the ups and downs in the family. And soon, when my age increased to 10 my dream changed again. i want people around me to behappy. i always see my parents quarreling, brothers fighting, i feel puzzled i dont know what are they fighting for. i was once asked who would i choose if my parents divorced, mother or father. i chose my mother. I still remember the decision cost me a big yelling from my father. he asked me to leave the house.

And then i came to the age of 12. This year i wished for a different thing. i wished that my brothers will be brothers again. it has been years they dont talk anymore. i looked up to the sky hoping that i can see them talking again. When i was 15. My dream changed again. This year i hoped for a little different. i want my birthday to be remembered by my parents. The last gift i got from my parents was the batman watch when i was 9. i dream in me to have a little cake with my name written on it.. But yet dreams never came true.

Age of 16, i suddenly thought of how happy my family was. i began to cry even harder the moment my ex left me. i blamed her to take away the only one i trust and love at that time. I then prayed for my family to be happy again. i blamed the fate that took away my childhood blindly. without the concern of a family, i seek out love from the outside, and now it fails, i had no one.

Age of 18. ive lost track of myself...i dont know what i wanted in life. i asked god to lead my way. And again, my dream changed again, i want my life to be in track again. it has been 3 years my bro left the house to japan. i only have my elder brother. But i hear screaming day and night. i dont know who was wrong and right. i dont know the answer. And finally at the age of 21 ive developed a dream in me. i want someone special to be the same with me forever. i cant afford if i ever had one. i cant afford changes, because once she left, ive nothing left.... i was dreaming aimlessly to have my childhood back, to have my happy family back, to have my parents be good again, to have my brothers be brothers again. But they will never come back right? now i just the life im going to have to be better. i just wanna taste happiness once again.

Alot of people said im fortunate enough to have my parents beside me. i know i am. at least they are there right? even if they dont provide me love and attention, at least they are there...right? i dont care if you say im not feeling contented. Because me, only me, know how it hurts to have parents beside like its not although i might not know how it hurts to lose your parents.

And today i just found out ive nothing left with me.. friends around are just fake. my love fails and i already dropped the thought of having the family i used to live in anymore. i hope i still have someone being with me for real.....if she loves me real, she will change for me to be the one she used to be.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Abandoned this page for so long, feels alil awkward to update even to start a sentence..sigh! Today is not a good day. Apart of the hot weather, nothing seems right to do. Bored. At home for the whole day- sleeping, eating, rotting and at last decided to go for a jog. Just for 3 laps around the field and now im updating this blog. IM BORED to death. What do i really expect in life actually ? i know ive been complaining alot lately be it to the people around me or just in me. Damn it. i dont like this me. At least you need to share something happy once in awhile for people to be comfortable around you right? IF you keep developing the negative thoughts and influencing people, they might get sick with you. i know. i know this very well. Maybe i really need to start thinking of something happy to share out. But my life is just dull. How can i make it more colourful? I feel kinda jobless days that without class. First of all, i stopped my job or maybe i was forced to stop it, no choice, i was kicked out from the field with a red card just like a footballer. But one thing differs, i never been given warning just like they do with yellow card in the first place. Lets learn about politic in the workplace. Enough said of that.

That explains why i always rot at home lately. And i cant always go out with my b too right ? I always reluctant to go out mostly because of my mum. she will be staying at home alone most of the time. you get my point already, i supposed. Ive alot of worries in me.. what can i do after this ? what should i do after my degree? im growing older day by day and this frightens me. My beard for example is growing wild and i can feel my face isnt glowing like a small child anymore. this shows some sign of the ageing part and i need to do something great before turning old completely. i need to start searching for my dreams from today onwards :) 3 months time i will be turning 22. omg scary !!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Trust no one.

Hi. I realised i dont have much readers on my blog or might it be my blog is boring or i dont update my blog for a good long time. My ideas went off.. thats all for today.bye

Monday, May 31, 2010

Last day

So, as stated today will be the last day of outing with her for the coming month. Its kinda sad and i was unhappy to let her go. You know when i have her company it feels right, everything like so usual and time passes by so quickly, dont even realise her presence but when the time is up, i can feel that i aint happy anymore. She moving out, from my car and walked slowly towards the station, i feel sad. I just want you to know i enjoyed ur company and it means more to me when i see you growing up, sweetheart! Happy that you found yourself a better offer today! Just wanted you to know, i love you more. Though at times i didnt tell it to you cuz i prefer showing. These few weeks i was not in a good condition so as you thought i wasnt that into you anymore. You were wrong. Its just that my mind was disturbed. Not you. Never will.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mixed of feelings

Had a day out with my baby today.Not for shopping not for cinema. Its our day to find job. While i went for interview in KLCC Himalaya healthcare company, she went to seek for jobs in sg wang and of course, times square. She managed to find afew. But no answers from them yet. Can see that she has been troubled by college stuff and family issues. But i guessed there's something more behind the sadness and the pair of restless eyes. Wish that i could be there to lighten her burdens and i always want to show her that i can be there no matter in what kinda situations. Im glad she really went and looked for job, at least i know she's a grown up person, not like the type i first judged about her. She has been more mature and independent now. Im happy too when she accompanied me to the outlet for interview. she's there for me :) and am proud i was there with her too. Besides, "sorry to you baby, you have dentistry appointment on tuesday but that will be my first day working. Cant accompany you again. :( but no worries after this i will and am sure we can have more time together.

My second job in life which is Himalaya health care product company will be a tough one, i guess. It requires us to speak more, be aggresive on sales because the commision is based on the sales mentioned. And i dont have much speaking skill besides for the laziness to go attract for customers. BUT, thats what im gonna learn. My motto of knowing alil but alot that kept me going all these while to try out something i fear most but must be overcomed. Though the basic is only 1k, i hope to hit the salary of 1.5k.. So that i will have extra cash to support my baby on her dream phone and of course, for everyday out after that. You know, i love my baby so much. and i always wanna see her happy. Cant wait to go on with my degree programme. i can feel the adrenaline rush in me to fit inside the society! Updates on my life soon. Till then, see ya. Peace out.